Nothing Sacred in Hollywood?
by Craig Curtice
anyone in Hollywood have an original idea for a film anymore?
I mean look at some of the titles that have been in and
out of theaters over the past year – Freddy
vs. Jason, S.W.A.T., The Hulk,
I Spy, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Did Freaky Friday really need to be redone for
a third time? Love Don’t Cost A Thing was
merely a hip-hop remake of 1987’s Can’t
Buy Me Love, and guessing by the short run in theaters,
Nick Cannon is no Patrick Dempsey. It was what The
Wiz did for the Wizard of Oz.
Now opening in theaters is yet another Peter Pan
movie and a Black Stallion prequel, but more
annoying is that Steve Martin has signed on to do a new
Pink Panther movie. Martin is a comedic legend,
but his remakes are totally pointless. Father of the
Bride was merely amusing (part II bombed), Sgt.
Bilko was horrible, and The Out-of-Towners
was pathetic compared to Jack Lemmon’s marvelous
frustration in the 1970 original. There’s no way
he’ll outdo Peter Sellers as the bumbling Inspector
Clouseau. Now, how about focusing on making The Jerk
2: Navin’s Spring Break Revenge?
See, my problem is not that these things are being remade,
it’s that the remake is using the same name. Instead,
why not call a movie like Freaky Friday “Silly
Saturday” or “Wacky Wednesday” –
that way if the movie sucks the memory of the original
film isn’t tarnished.
Remember Saturday The 14th? Well, there was a
shitball sequel called Saturday The 14th Strikes Back,
which was so bad, it sullied any dignity the first film
ever had. Same thing with C.H.U.D. – you
know, Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers –
well approval for funding for C.H.U.D. 2: Bud The
Chud went through somehow. I’m convinced that
everyone Hollywood is taking lots of drugs.
Now, granted those are merely B-movie examples, and it’s
expected that they (and their remakes) suck, but take
a look at classic cartoons adapted for the big screen.
Remember how Scooby-Doo stunk? Well, apparently
there’s work on a sequel. Inspector Gadget
was a live action turkey, Josie & The Pussycats
was lame, and does anyone ever remember Richie Rich?
The Flintstones sucked big time, so why make
The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas? Again, probably
And like it or not, here comes a film version of Starsky
& Hutch starring Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, and
Snoop Dogg, which is destined to be just another clunker
in a long line of crummy television adaptations. Need
proof? How about Wild, Wild, West, The Brady
Bunch, Beverly Hillbillies, Adams Family,
Lost In Space, Little Rascals, and The
Avengers? Don’t kid yourself; you’ve
probably seen both Charlie’s Angels flicks
twice – yet you still haven’t actually seen
Continuing the spread of unfounded Internet gossip, Nicole
Kidman wants to star in a screen adaptation of Bewitched,
but I hear that she isn’t able to wiggle her nose
(which is obviously integral to the part). Maybe she’ll
bag the idea and decide to star in a remake of I Dream
Of Jeannie, that way she only has to cross her arms
and bob her head.
Burton has seeped to the public that he wants to remake
Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory, but
I’m going to suggest that he leave the dark confectionary
classic alone. The results will likely be a computer-generated
mess that’ll feature bratty, flavor of the month
kids, and pfft – Jack Albertson won’t
be in it, so why bother?
of the overwhelming commercial tie-in potential, corporations
are probably already falling all over themselves to sell
Wonka meals, Wonka toys, and Limited Edition Willy Wonka
with all this Wonka talk, what better way to waste time
than to guess who might be cast in a remake? Clay Aiken
could play the chirpy Charlie – he looks about twelve,
he’s non-threatening, and he can really belt out
show tunes. And since there probably won’t be a
big screen adaptation of the Barney Miller spin-off
Fish, Abe Vigoda should have plenty of time to
play grumpy Grandpa.
Carrey maybe could play the wacky Wonka, but he’s
already on shaky Grinch ground. You can forget
Mike Meyers; he’s got only eight lives left after
flatlining in The Cat in the Hat. So that leaves
Jack Black to be the odds-on favorite after the success
of School of Rock, plus Kyle Gass would be perfect
as the sneaky Slugworth – and hey, maybe The D could
score the soundtrack! Hey, now calm down people, it’d
next, Shaq starring as Fat Albert? How about
Titanic II? Or let’s just trash everything
sacred – The Big Chill II: St. Elmo’s
Fire vs. The Breakfast Club. Say, when’s that
KISS biopic coming out?
Curtice is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine)