Look Back at 2004: The
Year of Britney, Dick and Martha and a Return to Traditional
by Bob Holt
year 2004 marked the return of our country to good, old
fashioned traditional moral values. Despite the attempts
by the latest axis of evil, Janet Jackson, Nicolette Sheridan,
and Howard Stern to influence our airwaves, America stood
tall for our unalienable right to watch Trading Spouses
and the World Series of Poker.
We began to get back to an appreciation of the family
unit. Same sex marriages continued to turn up across the
United States, as same sex couples fought for their own
equal rights to be just as miserable as many traditional
couples. And President Bush heartily endorsed the standard
male-female union, and their unalienable right to go to
Las Vegas and get married for 55 hours.
New tourism commercials began to run for New Jersey, inviting
visitors to "Come out, and see what we're about."
By August this line had taken on an entirely new meaning.
So with the little moral fiber which we have remaining,
let's take a look back at the roughage we all had to digest
The year began in a perfectly normal fashion, as perfectly
normal nutball Michael Jackson responded to being arraigned
in court by dancing on top of an SUV.
Speaking of Martians, President Bush announced bold plans
to go back to the moon by 2015, and then to Mars in the
future, because it is a red planet. The NASA land rover
Opportunity landed on Mars, taking pictures of dirt, rocks,
and six Wal-Mart's.
Leading Democratic candidate for the Presidential nomination
Howard Dean finishes third in the Iowa caucus, then suddenly
began foaming at the mouth, barking and chasing after
his campaign bus, all the way to New Hampshire, South
Carolina, Oklahoma, and finally Vermont.
Shy and reclusive singer Britney Spears married short
and dumpy Jason Alexander from Seinfeld for a couple of
hours during a weekend in Las Vegas.
Early in February we saw Super Bowl 38 take place in Houston,
Texas without any problems at all between the champions
of the AFC, the NFC, and the FCC.
The CIA admitted there was no imminent threat from weapons
of mass destruction before the Iraq invasion, but they
are still quite concerned about Howard Dean.
President Bush proposed a Constitutional amendment which
would protect the traditional marriage between a man and
One weekend in Las Vegas, recent divorcee Britney Spears
married Jennifer Lopez for about an hour and a half.
Complying with the new, tougher FCC regulations, HBO's
Sex and the City shut down production after a
six season run. A renewed America promised to appreciate
sex the way they did in old traditional times: at the
The 76th Academy Awards saw The Lord of the Rings:
Return of the King win eleven awards, including honors
for best picture and creepiest director.
Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ is released
nationally. Footage of Jesus telling Boston Red Sox players
that he has one more miracle left in him is cut from the
In March, Martha Stewart was found guilty of lying to
investigators, obstruction of justice, and two counts
of drive-by fonduing.
Democratic Senator from Massachusetts John Kerry clinched
the Democratic Presidential nomination by winning nine
primaries on Super Tuesday, and vowed to represent every
American when he becomes President by supporting each
side on every issue.
When we finally reached April, the high hopes of local
sports fans rested on the Phillies, who were opening their
new stadium, Citizens Bank Park. On opening day they deposited
another one in the loss column, 4-1, to the Cincinnati
Reds, running their early season record to 1-6. Acoustics
appear to be fine in the new building, as the boos were
heard in a high, distinct volume and quality.
As May arrived, regular viewers of NBC's ratings bonanza
Friends were disappointed as the Thursday night
staple concluded after ten seasons. Network executives
proposed a revolutionary new concept for a replacement
show which would be about four single people trying to
survive in New York and have storylines about nothing.
Despite the stand of the Bush administration, Massachusetts
legalized same-sex marriage.
During a long weekend in Las Vegas, Britney Spears married
Jenna Bush for 55 hours.
In early June, Salt Lake City's Ken Jennings makes his
first appearance on Jeopardy.
The latest local sports hopeful, Smarty Jones just misses
the Triple Crown by losing the Belmont Stakes. The same
day Ronald Reagan reaches his final furlong. Later Ray
Charles hits the road for the final time.
In frigid Hockeytown USA, Tampa Bay saw its Lightning
win the NHL's Stanley Cup over the Calgary Flames, apparently
putting an end to the NHL menace.
Bill Clinton's biography, "How to Make Love Like
a Porn Star," is released and becomes a national
During a spirited Senatorial debate, Vice President Dick
Cheney tells Democratic Senator from Vermont Patrick Leahy
to do something anatomically impossible to himself and
the horse he rode in on.
The interim Iraqi government finally receives the keys
to Iraq on June 28. They deliberately locked the keys
in a camel on the 29th.
evildoer Michael Moore's movie, Fahrenheit 911,
July, we saw Martha Stewart sentenced to five months of
hard crocheting beginning in October at rugged Camp Cupcake
in Alderson, West Virginia.
to a report from the CIA, Pee Wee Herman won the Tour
De France cycling title.
Democratic National Convention occurred in Boston. Teresa
Heinz Kerry told a reporter to "Shove it," and
was returned to a spacious spider hole near Pittsburgh.
on July 1 the use of hand held cell phones while driving
in New Jersey became a secondary offense. The triple Swiss
mocha in your left hand, your five disc CD changer, and
the triple cheeseburger you're balancing on the steering
wheel remain perfectly acceptable.
thoroughbred champion Smarty Jones sued John Kerry for
trademark infringement for the use of his likeness in
August, negative political campaigning continued in earnest
as Love Boat veteran Captain Steubing accused John Kerry
of performing CPR on a gay hamster during his Vietnam
Summer Olympics were held in Greece, where it all began.
They were won by a whole lot of people from a whole lot
of countries with really long names not containing enough
vowels that no one can remember anyway but still hate
Republican National Convention took place in Madison Square
Garden in New York City. Dick Cheney accepts the Vice-Presidential
nomination, telling supporters to "Shove it."
embattled New Jersey Governor James E. McGreevey informs
the world that he is a gay American. Early public reaction
about the announcement seemed to go either way.
politics continued in September, when on 60 Minutes, Dan
Rather attacked President Bush's 1973 National Guard record,
swearing that his report was based on reliable information
from the CIA.
Stevens was detained while attempting to fly to London
because he was on a terrorist "watch list" for
St. Helens became active again.
Danza became active again.
tightened up even further in October. Davy Jones and Mike
Nesmith of the Monkees reportedly hijacked the last nightly
train to Clarksville, and were met at the station by local
the campaign trail, Vice President Dick Cheney stood by
his assertion that the Bush administration has created
millions of new jobs, denying that three-quarters of them
had gone to Halliburton.
the CBS Evening News, Dan Rather projected Ross Perot
as the winner of this year's Presidential race. Also,
Dick Cheney was heard calling Iraq a "remarkable
success story." In the latest in negative political
ad campaigning, Osama Bin Laden sent us another video.
Dangerfield found respect in another life.
Spears married somebody.
froze over in Boston, as the Red Sox won the World Series,
breaking the curse of the Bambino. New York Yankee owner
George Steinbrenner promptly purchased the state of Massachusetts,
and relocated the Red Sox to Hoboken.
Hook and the Medicine Show are reportedly detained at
the Canadian border for attempting to bring cheaper prescription
drugs into the United States.
into November, we saw Scott Petersen found guilty in the
first degree murder of his eight-month pregnant wife Laci,
thereby confirming that murder is illegal in Los Angeles
media combat operations in Vietnam finally ended as George
W. Bush is elected to a second term of office, despite
early exit polls in Ohio indicating that Pat Buchanan
or Al Gore would win. Many Bush supporters said they voted
for him due to his moral values.
was reportedly captured trying to break Martha Stewart
out of solitary confinement, where she's been since she
attacked a guard with a shiv, but the Gang remain at large.
NFL airs a skit involving Philadelphia Eagle Terrell Owens
and Desperate Housewives actress Nicolette Sheridan before
a Monday night Eagles broadcast, which was brought to
you by Cialis.
Farm decides to stay in New Jersey's auto insurance market
because they are unable to leave the state due to Turnpike
ScramJet reaches about 7,000 MPH in an unmanned experimental
flight, a speed of Mach 9.6, almost ten times the speed
of sound. Commuters of the Atlantic City Expressway still
pass the Scramjet, and give it the finger.
television stations fail to air "Saving Private Ryan"
for language reasons due to fear of FCC fines.
Clinton Library opens in Arkansas. Meanwhile, John Kerry
opened a Fotomat in Boston, selling leftover pictures
of him windsurfing and wearing his NASA condom space suit.
increasing number of cell phones continued to get recalled
due to faulty batteries, causing many of them to explode.
FCC heavily fines CBS for airing footage of the reindeer
named Vixen in the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer holiday
special. Vice President Dick Cheney denounced the action,
calling the Rudolph classic "a remarkable success
also continued to insist that the Bush administration
is creating jobs, citing all of the openings in the President's
cabinet. Meanwhile, Donald Rumsfeld threatens to deploy
NBA players to Iraq.
Jennings is defeated on Jeopardy in his 75th game after
a crazed Alex Trebek hits him on the head with a mallet
during the final commercial break.
along to December, the movie "A Series of Unfortunate
Events" is released. An angry President Bush said,
"I thought winning the election would put a stop
to Michael Moore."
to a slower than expected Christmas shopping season, Santa
Claus is forced to downsize Rudolph, Dancer, and Prancer,
and four elves. "You go with the reindeer you've
got, not the reindeer you want," he says.
cell phones return to the market and continue to explode,
this time during public conversations in department stores
during Christmas shopping. No one cares.
we say good riddance to 2004, according to our latest
updated, sure thing, can't miss, precise but yet infallible
2005 exit polls, we learn that the economy is looking
brighter, the country is becoming less divided, and men
from Mars have landed. And we hope to soon learn what
with our return to traditional moral values, if we all
come together we can make 2005 the successful year our
country sorely needs. We're off to a good start, because
at this point Paul McCartney has been announced for the
halftime show at the 2005 Super Bowl, leaving open only
the possibility of a prostate malfunction this time. Happy
(Bob Holt is a guest writer for 2 Walls Webzine)