Future of Decency
by Glenn Pfeifer
News Items From the Not-So-Distant Past and the Not-To-Distant
The House of Representatives today voted on the final
piece of legislation on the congressional calendar for
this year before everyone begins their fund-raising activities,
and the new decency standards were passed almost unanimously.
new law takes effect on January 1st, and guidelines will
be mailed out to all new parents by the end of the year.
The terms “wee-wee,” “pee-pee,”
all variations on poop (poops, poopie, etc.), “hiney”
and “tooshie” were added to the “50
dirty words list” and will take effect once parent
we’ve attempted to do with this list update,”
noted House Majority Speaker Richard Hurtz, “is
give parents a guideline that they can refer to when teaching
our children about the functions of the body. The last
thing we want is confusion over how parents should refer
to these disgusting acts, so we hope this legislation
clears things up for a while. We are looking to adopt
“visit the toilet” as the national descriptor,
and I’ll be introducing that bill after my vacation.
Now if you excuse me, my wife is waiting for me on the
there’s hardly anything fun to do since they made
– Frank Zappa 1979
attending a [performance] of this ‘porn rock,’
I can tell you that it’s outrageous filth, [and
I’ll be looking, from this senator’s standpoint,
to] find some way constitutionally to do away with [this
– Senator Ernest (Fritz) Hollings, September,
1985 – Record Label Hearing – Committee on
Commerce, Science and Transportation
today fined several broadcasters $10 Million Dollars for
allegedly partaking in a flatulence contest on the air.
Senator Chris (Poppy) Cox was the lead proponent in seeking
the fine, “how can we stand by and let bodily functions
be heard on America’s airwaves. It’s a travesty.
I know that if my son ever did anything like that in front
of me, I’d take away his swimming and tennis lessons
for a week.”
in New York City responded to a ruckus outside Irving
Plaza early this morning when undercover agents apprehended
a young couple for the crime of letting their “middle-sections”
touch during their dance ritual. Investigators commented
that they would have let the kids separate cleanly without
stepping in, however the young man appeared to be of a
non-white descent, and the young woman was clearly “a
blonde-haired, blue-eyed American.”
agents had to lock down all shops and businesses today
on “Gay Island” due to a sharp increase of
activity at the island’s video store. According
to sources, there were several underground copies of Ben
Stiller’s “Zoolander” circulating among
this protected island of homosexual deviants. Armed guards
were called in when other island inhabitants stormed the
video store and demanded additional copies. “Zoolander”
has been on the banned movie list since the Federal Homophobe
Act was passed into law, stating that all references to
sexual perversion shall be abolished in the name of Jesus
it was discovered that God did not want us to be all the
This was bad news for the governments of the world as
it seemed contrary to the doctrine of Portion Controlled
Mankind must be made more uniformly if The Future was
going to work.
Various ways were sought to bind us all together but,
alas, same-ness was unenforceable.
It was about this time that someone came up with the idea
of Total Criminalization.
– Frank Zappa 1979
move toward increasing indecency fines –
WASHINGTON (AP) — Still upset over last month's
Super Bowl halftime show, lawmakers are moving closer
to making it more expensive for radio or television stations
to put indecent programming on the air.
Senate Commerce Committee voted Tuesday to raise the maximum
fine for indecent programming from $27,500 to $500,000.
The House Commerce Committee approved a similar increase
last week, and the full House is expected to take up the
have criticized broadcasters for airing what they say
is increasingly coarse programming that can be seen or
heard by children. The effort to crack down on such shows
gained new momentum last month when singer Justin Timberlake
exposed Janet Jackson's breast to 90 million viewers watching
the Super Bowl halftime show.
especially parents, are fed up with content producers
and broadcasters who have for too long ignored regulations
that are designed to keep a standard of decency and protect
children on the public's airwaves," said Sen. Sam
Brownback, R-Kan., a sponsor of the bill.
(Oh wait, this one’s for real...)
is this one...)
Senate kills bill protecting gun makers (3/3/04)
WASHINGTON (CNN) – The Senate Tuesday overwhelmingly
voted to kill a bill that would have protected gun manufacturers
from lawsuits, with supporters turning against the measure
after senators added a provision extending the 1994 ban
on assault rifles.
The bill died on a 90-8 vote after its principal sponsor,
Idaho Republican Sen. Larry Craig, and the National Rifle
Association urged a thumbs-down on the amended measure.
Craig, an NRA board member, said his bill was "so
dramatically wounded it should not pass."
"I would not send to this president or any president
a bad bill of the kind that was crafted here in the Senate
through the amendment process over the last several days,"
he said. But he added that the issue "will not go
Craig's bill would have shielded manufacturers from potentially
ruinous lawsuits except in cases of defective products
or illegal sales. More than 25 cities have filed lawsuits
accusing gun manufacturers of negligently marketing their
products in ways that make them readily available to criminals
and of failing to include safety features.
In a series of votes Wednesday, senators added an amendment
to Craig's bill that would have closed the loophole that
allows the purchase of guns at gun shows without a background
check; an amendment to let off-duty and retired police
officers carry concealed weapons across state lines; and
another to extend the assault weapons ban, which is set
to expire in September.
The NRA urged senators to vote against the bill after
the amendments were added, calling them "poison pill"
"While we will continue to work to save the U.S.
firearms industry, we have said from the start that we
would not allow this bill to become a vehicle for added
restrictions on the law-abiding people of America,"
NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre told Senate
supporters in a message Tuesday afternoon.
But New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, whose city is one
of those with a lawsuit pending, said he was "extremely
relieved" by the Senate vote.
"It would be have been outrageous to grant them immunity
when firearms kill 7,000 people in this country every
year," Bloomberg said in a written statement.
(hmm...wonder how Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kan, the protector
of our children from the public airwaves, feels about
banning assault weapons? Also wonder how much the NRA
has stuffed his war chest through the years? Also continue
to be amazed that a single phone call from the NRA can
immediately sway nearly 50 senators.)
IS THE U.S. (Reuters)
March 15, 20??
The Senate today voted in favor of a parent’s rights
to mutilate their children’s genitalia so that all
sexual thoughts and acts are repressed forever. Senator
Richard Head applauded the measure, “now let’s
see how worked up these kids get at these rave parties
without their testes and clitorises.”
far-fetched huh? Keep voting for Bible-Thumping Jesus
Freaks and see how real news like this can become…)
Pfeifer is a guest writer for 2 Walls Webzine)